So, a duck waddles up to you.  This is no ordinary duck though.  This is the ugliest duck you’ve ever seen.  It’s limping, because it’s missing most of the webbing on its left foot.  You can’t really describe the color, other than dirty.  You can’t tell if the duck is molting, or just missing a lot of feathers.  One eye is completely gray, its beak is crooked, and it might actually have a tooth.

While you’re wondering if you should laugh at this animal, or put it out of its misery, the duck craps on your shoe and limps away.  You look at your shoe and see a giant, steamy, green, wet pile of ugliest-duck-ever poo.  Just as you’re deciding what to do about this abomination, you see the mound wiggling.  You kneel on your opposite leg to get a closer look, and a worm, whose ugliness is only rivaled by the duck, pokes its head out of the slime.

The worm seems oblivious to your presence as it chews on a mouthful of the duck’s feces.  All of a sudden the worm stops chewing, swallows, and faces you.  Its mouth is gaping open, and a gooey string of duck dung is dangling from the worm’s chin.

Right when you think things couldn’t get any weirder, or grosser, the worm starts yelling at you.  The worm is screaming the rudest, most foul, and obnoxious things about your family.  Duck doo is flying out of the worm’s mouth and landing on your laces.  You’re not sure if the worm actually knows your family, or if it’s just trying to get a reaction from you.

It doesn’t matter what the worm’s intentions are though, because you couldn’t care less.  Why don’t you care?  Because the thing saying awful stuff about your family is a giant, steamy, green, wet, ugliest-duck-ever-turd eating worm.

Does that help you understand why I’m not reacting to your tirade about my mom?  No?  I’m not surprised.  Worms are stupid.


2 Responses to Worm

  1. Big C says:

    It is goo to see you back posting. I have missed you as may have come out inappropriately on the 2 guys show. I am sure if you cared you would have called me worm and squisdhed me. These thoughts you post go great with my morning coffee and I have missed them greatly. Thanks for returning.

  2. Mad Jack says:

    You get a hoist of the evening bourbon glass and a tip of the fedora for Best Creative Description of a Scumbag for this month, and you’re automatically entered into annual award for best creative description of a scumbag as well as our annual random prize drawing – prize to be announced at a later date.

    Nice one.

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