I know what I’ll do this morning.  I’ll call Juan Valdez and ask him how to make the perfect cup of coffee.  Juan will school me on selecting the perfect beans, and grinding them just the right amount to release the optimum flavor.  He’ll express the importance of filtering the water, and he’ll probably tell me you can’t beat a coffee-press when it comes to brewing.  I’ll thank Juan for his time, throw a scoop of Sanka in a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug instead, fill it with tap water, and stick it in the microwave for 63 seconds.

I know what I’ll do this afternoon.  I’ll go to the gym and ask a personal trainer what I need to do to get into optimum shape.  Hans will ask me a lot of questions about my current life-choices.  He’ll weigh me and take my measurements, and probably lay out a well organized diet and exercise program designed to create a rock-hard body.  I’ll thank Hans for his time, hop on my Lark instead, roll through the Taco Bell drive-thru, and grab a few items off the Fresco menu.

I know what I’ll do tonight.  I’ll call the police and ask them for help because I’m scared my drunk baby-daddy is going to hurt me.  They’ll probably explain to me that they can’t make him leave his own house since he hasn’t actually committed a crime, and that it would be in my best interest to take my daughter and drive her over to my friend’s house to spend the night so I don’t have to worry about him killing me in my sleep.  I’m going to thank the nice cop for his time, throw a pillow and a blanket on the couch instead, and hope I wake up in the morning.

Yeah, that sounds easier.


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