I’m sure you “know” your neighbor’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s brother slashed your tire. I’m sure you “know” this because your son’s best friend’s sister’s boyfriend heard your neighbor’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s brother’s cousin bragging about how he drank an entire gallon of milk in under an hour. This “proves” he slashed your tires because his cousin only drinks milk on Wednesdays, and your tires were slashed on Monday. Add the fact that it’s unseasonably warm outside, thus making it more difficult to keep milk down, and your “proof” is irrefutable. You don’t even have mention that you saw a poodle walking eastbound on the south side of the street before 10am, it’s superfluous.

I “know” this sounds crazy, but I’m going to go ahead and not arrest that guy for slashing your tires. The “proof” you’ve described to me is what we like to call “circumstantial.” I totally believe you. Your story couldn’t make more sense if you tried, and please don’t try. The problem is, I have to justify my arrest to a judge. The weird thing about the judges is, they like arrests to be made on “actual” proof.

My hands are tied. Please “know” that I’m sorry I can’t help you. Next time, make note of what direction the wind is blowing and I think we’ll have him dead to rights.

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