911

Thank you for calling 911. Please select from the following options so we can further assist you.

Press 1 if you would like us to raise your children for you.

Press 2 if you would like us to investigate every bird chirp, mouse skitter, rustling leaf, and raccoon fart that you hear outside your window.

Press 3 if you would like us to instantly remove someone from your house that you’ve been allowing to live with you for the last eight months.

Press 4 if you would like us to tell your neighbor to keep their dog quiet. Press 4 again if you’ve never asked them to keep their dog quiet. Press 4 a third time if you don’t even know your neighbor’s name.

Press 5 if you’re concerned enough about someone’s welfare that you want us to make sure they’re OK, but not concerned enough to drive across town and check on them yourself.

Press 6 if you heard a loud noise that couldn’t have possibly been anything other that a gun shot.

Press 7 if you would like to complain about an officer that held you responsible for your actions.

Press 8 if Burger King didn’t make it your way.

Press 9 if you would like to hear your options again.

If you have an actual emergency please stay on the line and the next available operator will assist you, or you can just handle the problem yourself because all of our officers are busy dealing with the rest of the B.S. that people call us about. Thank you for calling 911.

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