Huey, Dewey, and Louie can pull that look off because they’re ducks; not in Finland or course, but that’s another story. And since they’re cartoons, no one has to see their junk. Donald’s nephews also don’t eat mushrooms after a long day of binge drinking, which means I’ll probably never have to tackle them while avoiding piles of vomit. The puke puddles weren’t too difficult to get around since the bulk of it was seven feet up the wall, which is impressive since you’re only six feet tall.

I thought the most challenging part of the night was forcing you to wear some shorts, because no one else needed to see that, but I was wrong. Carrying you 50 yards to my patrol car proved difficult, even minus the 20 lbs. of stomach contents you left behind.

Congratulations on your first arrest, it was a good one. I’m sorry you won’t remember anything about it in the morning. You can get a copy of my report at records for a small fee. I’m also sorry about the whole zipper thing when I was getting you dressed. You shouldn’t have been squirming.

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