Gee, I wonder why the judge doesn’t believe you. Could it be the multiple counts of identity theft you’re being sentenced for? Six different out-of-state ID cards doesn’t qualify as a mix-up Julie; or is it Brenda; or Carol; or whoever you are?

Could it be the multiple fraudulent lines of credit you obtained with the aforementioned ID cards? You’re the reason I have to pay $8 for a roll of scotch tape at the local home improvement chain. Thanks.

Could it be that you dropped the cataracts and brain tumor bomb in court, at the same time? How surprised was I when the judge didn’t postpone your sentencing until you were able to take care of those surgeries? Ok I’ll tell you, not very. How surprised was I that you didn’t have a “heart attack” right then? Ok I’ll tell you, very.

Let’s pretend you do need cataract surgery. Let’s pretend you do have a brain tumor. Let’s pretend you have a wicked ingrown toenail. Let’s pretend you’re constipated. Let’s pretend you need to brush your teeth. Those are things you should have taken care of before you bilked three different businesses out of more than $15,000.

How surprised was the judge when your lawyer said she didn’t actually have proof of your maladies because there was a misunderstanding over who was supposed to bring the paperwork to court today? Ok I’ll tell you, not very.

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