15 is an acceptable age to bite your mother’s nipple; 15 months that is. I’m sure there are a slew of mothers out there that disagree. Maybe “acceptable” isn’t the right word, but I’m going to use it anyway. The point I’m trying to make is 15 YEARS old is not, on anyone’s scale, an acceptable age to wrap your incisors and bicuspids around your own mother’s areola in an attempt to remove it.

I’m guessing you wouldn’t understand her motivation for pinning you to the ground even if you were sober. The fact is, you were so drunk I had to roll the windows down so I could drive you to the precinct without getting arrested for driving drunk. I’ll try to explain anyway. She was exercising her parental right to think for you, since you obviously couldn’t do that for yourself. She could see that a drunk underage female leaving the house with a young male in his twenties that she’s never met before is a less than desirable situation.

I’m not sure if the nipple was the first bite, or the fourth, but it doesn’t really matter. Your mom looked like she just walked off the set of Blade II. Thankfully, in the juvenile department’s infinite wisdom, they want me to return you to your mother’s custody after I process you. Just so you know, she’s going to be carrying a wooden stake around with her, just in case.

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