I would be lying if I said nothing has ever flown out of my mouth while I was talking to someone. I would be lying if I said it hasn’t happened a few times. I watch it out of the corner of my eye to see where it lands. Did it land on the person I’m talking with? Did they see it too? Do I say anything if it lands on their collar but they don’t acknowledge it? Decisions, decisions.

I’ll tell you what’s never happened. I’ve never accidently horked up a chunk of lung butter and launched it with such velocity that it pierced the outer layer of some unsuspecting bar patron’s sweater. That’s not the kind of thing someone doesn’t notice, especially when it knocks them off balance. I’m sure you have absolutely no idea why they’re kicking you out of the bar either. You were just minding your own business.

I hope you don’t mind this hood I’m putting over your head. I’d rather not be the recipient of your next throat full of expectorant. Oh, sorry, did you see that? No, never mind.

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