It’s good to have goals. Let me rephrase that; it’s good to have attainable goals. Since the first time I watched “Zapped” I’ve wanted telekinesis. It’s been almost thirty years, and no matter how hard I concentrate, no one’s shirt is flying off at the mere thought. I say this to save you the same heartache and frustration that I’ve experienced.

You’re never going to be a cop, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m not sure which eye to look at when I’m talking to you. It has a lot to do with your inability to make good decisions. Your choice to drive home drunk from your buddy’s house was bad enough. Deciding to speed so you would spend less time on the road shows poor decision making skills.

You’re welcome to use me as a reference though. Even though we’ve only known each other for an hour, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what you’re capable of, or not capable of. I’ll be completely honest, and I promise I won’t mention the part of our night when you warned me not to microwave broccoli because it harms the molecular structure of the baby tree.

Aim a little lower buddy, lower…lower…lower, and stay off the broccoli.

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