You want me to file formal harassment charges, so let me make sure I have the story straight.

Your roommate invited his girlfriend to move into the apartment without consulting you first. Rude, maybe, but not a crime. You got in her face and expressed your displeasure with her new living arrangement without using any of the very colorful words you’re using to describe her right now. She didn’t appreciate your candor, so she called you mean names. Again, rude, maybe, but not a crime.

You threw a cup of water in her face and followed it with the witty pun, “Cool down.” She called you more of those mean names you so disliked before, so you physically tried to shove her out of the apartment. Her mother, who was helping her move in, told you not to touch her daughter again, or else.

Did I get the gist of it? I did, oh good. In that case, I would be more than happy to file formal harassment charges against you. Wait, what? Against the mom for saying, “Or else?” Well that just saved me a lot of time and paperwork. Hell no.

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