Incompetent and innocent aren’t the same thing. You were too dumb to accomplish the crime. That doesn’t mean you’re not guilty of attempting the crime. Luckily for you, you benefit from your stupidity, sort of. You’re getting arrested on a lesser charge because you left the scene empty-handed. Well, not exactly empty-handed. You were carrying a gas can and a siphoning tube, but an empty gas can and siphoning tube.

You’re going to jail whether you admit what you did (tried to do) or not, so please, please, I can’t stress this enough, please stop telling me you respect the law too much to steal what others worked hard to earn. The fact that you’re driving with a suspended license in a car with no insurance that hasn’t been registered since 2003 sort of negates your altruistic musings.

I believe you ran out of gas, so I’ll do you a favor. I hear this isn’t the best neighborhood to leave a car parked, so I’m going to have it towed for you. You’ll be able to pick it up from the tow yard as soon as you get out of jail, and get it insured, and register it, and get a license. Then you’ll be able to get back to volunteering your time at the local nursing home and knitting blankets for orphans. What would our society be without stand-up citizens like you? A cop can dream.

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