Sorry, the amount of time you spend in prison isn’t directly correlated to the amount of time it took you to commit the crime. It could take you 60 seconds to steal a car, or 60 months to bilk a senile old man out of his life savings. That has no bearing on how long you’re going to have to be careful with the soap.

It doesn’t matter that it took you less than five minutes to find a mallet in the garage, walk down the hall to the master bedroom, climb up on top of your (ex)girlfriend, and swing it several times in the general direction of her head. What matters is that you broke her face. What matters is they’re not sure the extent of the damage you caused. What matters is how long it’s going to take her to recover.

Somehow, I have to believe that selfishness played at least a small role in the demise of your relationship. Jealousy might have had something to do with it too. The bunny boiling on the stove didn’t help. Letting you visit her isn’t on the top of my to-do list right now, and no, the DA probably won’t consider dropping the charges if she forgives you.

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