Congratulations! I didn’t think it was possible for someone as wasted as you to even find the gas pedal, much less drive as well as you did. You sure proved me wrong.

I admire your perseverance. A few would have given up after hitting the curb several times, but you’re a better man. A lot of people would have stopped after side-swiping another car, but not you. Most would have quit after crashing into a guard rail, but you overcame. Even the most die-hard would have pulled over when the lights and sirens came on, but you’re no ordinary pill popper. I respect your decision to not attempt the S-curves though. I don’t think any less of you for not trying.

You’ll go down in the record books. The companies that make Oxycontin and Xanex should put your picture on the wall like a proud mother displaying a child’s perfect report card. Not even jail can ruin your high. Thank you for your inspiration.

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