The handcuffs aren’t too tight. They aren’t designed to be comfortable. They’re designed to keep you from acting on any of the stupid ideas that are going through your head right now like, “I bet I could take him,” and, “I bet I could outrun him,” and, “Since I’m already going to jail I might as well swallow all of the meth in the coin pocket of these jeans I’m wearing that don’t belong to me.”

Handcuffs are made of metal and they don’t give. This isn’t news to me. They don’t just hand us a pair of cuffs and say, “Go get ’em.” I’ve worn them, a lot. Guess who plays the bad guys when police train using handcuffs. Ok, I’ll tell you, other police officers. I’ve been handcuffed hundreds of times, and more than once I’ve worn them for longer than 20 minutes.

Do you know how to tell when a criminal thinks the handcuffs are too tight? It’s when a criminal is wearing handcuffs. They always think the cuffs are too tight. The only time someone won’t complain about how tight the handcuffs are, is when they are so loose they can slip their hands out of them, and that sort of defeats the purpose.

Sit back and try to relax. I have some paperwork to do when we get to the jail. I can either do it with you cuffed in the back of my car, or un-cuffed in the jail, your call.

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