Begging me to not tell your probation officer that you violated conditions of your probation is like asking Albert Pujols to not swing at an underhand pitch. That’s my job. I have nothing to gain by keeping that a secret. I’ve never met you before, so our friendship isn’t at risk. You don’t have a job, so I’m not depriving some hard working small business owner of his star employee. Since you have no income, I’m not taking food out of your baby’s mouth.

The fact that you’re a grown man, and you’re crying because you don’t want to go back to jail, makes all of those other points moot anyway. For that reason alone I’m calling your probation officer. I would have called her even if you only violated one condition, but you violated at least four. It sounded like you said you were sorry, I couldn’t quite make it out with all of the blubbering. All you’re sorry for is that you got caught.

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