I don’t need you to fall down in a sloppy, blubbering, mass on the ground crying, “I did it, I did it, I stole the lawn gnome out of Mrs. Tucker’s yard.” This isn’t “The Closer,” and I’m not Kyra Sedwick. I’m perfectly comfortable piecing together the facts, and coming to the conclusion that you’re a guilty little worm all on my own.

She said you strangled her, and she bit your hand to make you stop. You said she pushed you, and you put your hands up to defend yourself, so she took advantage of your helpless state. She grabbed your outstretched hand, pulled it toward her face, and took a bite out of your thumb. Hmmmm, I’m going to go with story…..A. That would be hers.

Yes, I heard you say you didn’t strangle her. I actually heard you say it about 50 times. Surprisingly, I also didn’t believe you about 50 times. Yes, you’re still going to jail, even though my finely tuned interrogation skills were unable to get you to confess. I do have one thing in common with Kyra though, I wrapped this case up in just under an hour.

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