How do you make the jump from hearing banging noises outside your house, to knowing for a fact that there’s a man outside stealing your stuff? Never mind that it’s one of the windiest nights in recent history, that would make too much sense. Don’t bother looking outside to see what the noise is either, I like to help people that make no effort to help themselves first. I’ll admit there’s a small possibility that the Taliban has chosen your house as its next target, but I think it’s equally possible that your flamingo lawn ornaments blew over and landed on your yard gnomes. Don’t worry, I’m going to drive by and confirm my suspicions, right after I go explain to your neighbor that burglars don’t repeatedly slam screen doors closed when they’re trying to break in to a house.

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