You don’t know your rights. You have no idea what your rights are. Just yelling, “It’s my right,” over and over isn’t going to get you what you want. And don’t think that by adding the word “Constitutional,” that I’m going to fall down on my knees and kiss your feet. You wouldn’t know the difference between the Constitution and the Communist Manifesto if they were sitting right in front of you. Here’s a hint; One of them is written in English. Really, you have a Constitutional right to make a phone call? That’s weird, since the telephone was invented about 100 years after the Constitution was written. Maybe they predicted it, I’ll have to read it again.

I’m going to tell you what two of your rights are, and it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve heard them before, you’re going to get one of them wrong. You have the right to remain silent. Please do all of humanity a favor and exercise that right. You also have the right to speak with an attorney before you answer any questions. That doesn’t mean I have to let you call your attorney right now. Please refer to the early part of our conversation. You don’t have a right to make a phone call, not even one phone call. This isn’t Mayberry, and I’m a real cop. One of the cool things about not being Barney Fife is that I know what your rights are, and I get to carry more than one bullet in my pocket.

When we get to the jail I’ll give you an opportunity to contact an attorney. The key word being “contact.” Shut your mouth now, and I might let you use a phone. Keep demanding your rights, and I’ll get you a pencil, a sheet of paper, and an envelope. You have the right to remain silent. Shut up.

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